FUNNY MAIL
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FUNNY FREINDS
BACK TO FUNNY MAIL page two love you more than bubble-gum!
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HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a bed
while LITTLE BO PEEP was giving him head.
As soon as he came she started to weep,
beacause then he fucked off and shagged all her sheep.

GOLFING
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Research shows that guys no longer date girls from ABSA:
because they are always thinking of "...today, tomorrow and being together forever"

OR girls from FNB:
because they are always thinking "...how can they help you..."

OR girls from NEDBANK:
because they very serious about your money.

They are now dating girls from STANDARD BANK:
because they are "simpler, better and faster."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer.

 

 

 




Answer: The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.

 

 

 

 


So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this REALLY is the end of the joke.
Men Keep scrolling.

 

 

 

 

 


By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:
WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!

CHECK THIS OUT: www.guzer.com/category/toprated.php
when you go there, my favourites were:
Stomp
numa numa Dance & Song
Guy in Ferari Not Paying Attention
Breakdancing Kids
Take Out Chinese Food Prank Call
this is absoltely amazing... can't believe I could actually read it.
"I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mind.Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrgde    Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought sleling was ipmorant.
Mad Mary
Mad Mary was speeding around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair
Mad Joe stopped her and asked for her licence. 'Shit' she said and sped off around another corner.
Mad Jim then stopped her and asked for insurance. 'Fuck' she said and took off again at speed.
Rounding a corner she met BIG JOHN standing stark naked with a massive erection. 'Oh no' she says 'Not the breathalizer again!'
Post-drinking tendencies
Gatiepie and his chommies were jolling at the Gallery until 4 in the morning and they were dead tired. Gatiep said they should walk down to the Golden Arrow bus depot and steal a bus to get back home to Wynberg, and so they took a slow drunken walk in the cold.
Gatiepie positioned his friends at every corner so that he, in his drunken state, could steal a bus out of the Golden Arrow yard to go home to Wynberg with his friends, before the staff pitched up for work. His 3 friends waited for an hour. Each time they could hear a bus start up & a few seconds later, switch off.
Eventually, he pulled out with a bus as his friend, Jona, opened the gate and shouted, "Whera yell were you. We're waiting here inna frek cold for more ran a eour!" And Gatiepie, apologetic, says,"Dzislike! You jes wont believe how many buses I had to move before I could get a Wynberg bus.
Asian
An Asian woman was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestooday I get two hunat dollah fo yen - today I get a hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
Three men
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Bob had married a woman from Australia.  He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man, Tony, had married a South African girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and washing machine, and call garden services. God Bless South African women!!!!
Panties
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night is the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit . except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ...a black condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

SHIT ON THE WALLS

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

 

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And **** my pants!

 

Here I sit
What a caper
I have to ****
But I'm out of paper
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to **** and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bull**** on the walls...
 Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to **** out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away
 Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you.		 (Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
(Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine)
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
 (Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
THERE IS NO I IN TEAM
I used to work on this big software project. The project manager used to constantly come
out with 'We must make sure we're all singing from the same hymn sheet' and similar bollocks.
As the project got deeper and deeper into the mire, the metaphors got more bizzare,
eventually ending up with ---
"Make sure you're all shitting into the same sock".
OH DEER
man kills deer, takes it home and kooks it.
he does not tell the kids what it is, but gives them a clue.
"it's what mommy calls daddy".
the little sister cries "don't eat it!"
"it's a fucking arsehole!"
MOM SAYS
Mom says: I tell you, if a guy touches your bum, say "DON'T", and if he touches your fanny, say "STOP".
I said: but mom he touched both, so I said "DON'T STOP!"
2 GREEKS
two greeks are chatting.
Carlos he says to Spiros: "you ever fucka your girlfriend in da udda hole?"
Spiros he says to Carlos: "you fuckin mad, I donna wanna make her pregnant!"
NAUGHTY ANSWERS

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

CHEN LEE

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the famous chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while  he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: 

MOST HONOURABLE SIR: 
YOU LEAVE HOUSE 
I WATCH HOUSE 
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH 
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. 
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. 
I LOOK IN WINDOW. 
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. 
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. 
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. 
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE. 

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.

DWARF

what does a dwarf get for running through a woman's legs?
A flap across the face and a clit around the ear!
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